Not understanding why something happens has always been a huge confusion for me. Before my husband was my husband, he was also my college math tutor. Such a genius at anything involving numbers…my husband that is, definitely not me. He would tell me the steps to take in a formula to get the answer, and my response was always “WHY?”. He would say, “it doesn’t matter why, that’s just the way you do it.” That was so not good enough for my brain! I needed an explanation. There had to be reason why you would use certain steps to get the answer, but according to Mr. Mathwiz that wasn’t always so in math. Math sometimes just is…and there’s no explanation for it. Relating this to life, or even more specific, to my life, and I see that math and life have something very much in common…sometimes ‘It just is.’ However, the difference in math and life is that with math there’s not a reason…in life there is, you just may not know the reason immediately or ever in this lifetime. This has been such a huge struggle for me lately.
After Noah’s accident in September, I felt I needed a reason why this was happening to us. We did the best we could do. We took very good care of our children. We taught them about Jesus Christ and the sacrifice that gave us eternal life. Really, God? You have chosen to take the little boy that was apart of this type of family…the one who did more for you than any other person I know. I mean, God, Noah shared your love with people that most of us wouldn’t lower ourselves to speak to and there he was rubbing shoulders with these people, hugging them, and telling him “I love you”. I don’t think anger ever stirred inside me…there were times that I felt it could have if I had let it, but I refused to be angry with God. But, to be honest, I definitely spent hours questioning God’s purpose and what He was doing in this situation.
I now know that I may never know God’s reason for this tragedy. This may be something that I have to wait on the answer for…but unlike with math, I am determined to be satisfied with just knowing that God has control of my life, Noah is being taken care of more than I ever could, and most of all, God NEVER allows us to go through this kind of pain without just cause. God is a just God and sometimes….there is not an answer to the ‘why’ questions in this life…but one day I will know it all.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
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